Writing what will probably be my next to last blog here in Thailand is hard to do. On one hand, it's hard to approach the end of such an incredible era, and on the other, there's such a sense of rush and excitement to make that trek home, I get shaky just thinking of it. The fact that we're talking in terms of weeks makes this trip so surreal. When I began this journey, I knew such a difficult yet rewarding year awaited. Imagining what this homestretch would look or feel like was near impossible from so far off, but now that I'm there, I can see why it was impossible.
Coming to terms with change is a task I battle. Looking back on such significant shifts, I see that I've always emerged on the other side a much more contented person than I could have originally foreseen, but the shift itself is a tough one. A culmination of fear and uncertainty for the future, excitement for the newness and a sad fondness for the closing chapter leaves me in a whirlwind. Sometimes if I dwell on it too long, I get nauseous. Then I think about what truly comforts me and try not to let the close of this adventure sadden me. Memories are tricky things. They can bring you such joy, but often that fondness comes at a price. Longing to be somewhere so happy and so comforting sometimes steals your joy and sends it spiraling into a nostalgic sadness. Fear of losing the details of those memories, fear of never recapturing them again and even the fear of no one understanding the magnitude of your memories can be a frightening ordeal.
As I do with most mentally and emotionally taxing parts of life, I write them down. As a source of comfort, a tangible way of mapping through a jungle of thoughts.
Throughout mine and Kelsey's weekly blog posts, many people have so kindly suggested we write a book. The suggestion alone is flattering. After playfully discussing ideas and formats for such a book, our tone shifted from a joking tone to a "hey, we should really give this a shot" tone. We laughed through a list of memories that couldn't have been scripted any better by a professional writer. So many things go unsaid in our blogs. Daily aspects of our living, trials of a vastly different culture, the evolution of our friendship, confined living and the honesty and trust that is built because of them. Our different yet compatible personalities have already created such a wonderful memoir on this adventure. Now it just needs to be written down.
Whether or not it gets taken seriously to the point of publishable or if the memories will be as hilarious and touching as they were to us, I can't foretell. Even if I printed off a dozen copies, paper-clipped our stories together and handed them to those blessed few who relentlessly followed our journey, that would be enough. So what do you think? As ready as I am to see what the future holds, it's hard to close this chapter without having written it down first. In the end, giving our story some permanence, read by few or many, is the goal, and one that will get me a step closer to being able to close this chapter of my life without tears.
I say, "Get busy!"
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