From Blog to Book: A Memoir of Adventurers.

Writing what will probably be my next to last blog here in Thailand is hard to do. On one hand, it's hard to approach the end of such an incredible era, and on the other, there's such a sense of rush and excitement to make that trek home, I get shaky just thinking of it. The fact that we're talking in terms of weeks makes this trip so surreal. When I began this journey, I knew such a difficult yet rewarding year awaited. Imagining what this homestretch would look or feel like was near impossible from so far off, but now that I'm there, I can see why it was impossible.

Coming to terms with change is a task I battle. Looking back on such significant shifts, I see that I've always emerged on the other side a much more contented person than I could have originally foreseen, but the shift itself is a tough one. A culmination of fear and uncertainty for the future, excitement for the newness and a sad fondness for the closing chapter leaves me in a whirlwind. Sometimes if I dwell on it too long, I get nauseous. Then I think about what truly comforts me and try not to let the close of this adventure sadden me. Memories are tricky things. They can bring you such joy, but often that fondness comes at a price. Longing to be somewhere so happy and so comforting sometimes steals your joy and sends it spiraling into a nostalgic sadness. Fear of losing the details of those memories, fear of never recapturing them again and even the fear of no one understanding the magnitude of your memories can be a frightening ordeal.

As I do with most mentally and emotionally taxing parts of life, I write them down. As a source of comfort, a tangible way of mapping through a jungle of thoughts.

Throughout mine and Kelsey's weekly blog posts, many people have so kindly suggested we write a book. The suggestion alone is flattering. After playfully discussing ideas and formats for such a book, our tone shifted from a joking tone to a "hey, we should really give this a shot" tone. We laughed through a list of memories that couldn't have been scripted any better by a professional writer. So many things go unsaid in our blogs. Daily aspects of our living, trials of a vastly different culture, the evolution of our friendship, confined living and the honesty and trust that is built because of them. Our different yet compatible personalities have already created such a wonderful memoir on this adventure. Now it just needs to be written down. 
Whether or not it gets taken seriously to the point of publishable or if the memories will be as hilarious and touching as they were to us, I can't foretell. Even if I printed off a dozen copies, paper-clipped our stories together and handed them to those blessed few who relentlessly followed our journey, that would be enough. So what do you think? As ready as I am to see what the future holds, it's hard to close this chapter without having written it down first. In the end, giving our story some permanence, read by few or many, is the goal, and one that will get me a step closer to being able to close this chapter of my life without tears.

A Year to Rival the Last.

Around this time last year, I was sitting bored and stressed out of my mind in a comfy swivel chair at a bank. As I sat at a desk, barricaded behind stacks of files, I let my mind wander to what I knew would be a life changing 2012. And now, here I sit. Albeit still behind a desk and in a surprisingly comfortable swivel chair, I don't get up and walk 10 yards away to make copies. I get up and go to a class where eager ears (and some distracted, naughty ears... there are still trouble makers in Thailand) are waiting to hear me speak, even if they don't exactly grasp everything. Whether it's English camp, normal classes or extra lessons, it's all so gratifying. Even if some don't listen or learn, I've built relationships, and that's what truly matters.

At this point, I've surpassed every prominent holiday, and I'm not curled up in a heap eating candy from home and wistfully singing Auld Lang Syne. The holidays have spring boarded me forward into the last leg of this adventure, and I couldn't be happier with the outcome.

Due to miscommunication and perhaps too much wishful thinking, we were not given the Christmas holiday off from work. As surprising as it sounds, we enjoyed it. Waking up extra early to an authentic crackling fireplace DVD, drinking hot chocolate in the air condition room with my best friend and opening small gifts my Mamaw had sent was just what I needed. And it was sufficient. The day itself was comfortable and unseasonably cool (a gift we credited to be from Santa himself), we were both able to talk to our families, attend a foreigner Christmas party and have dinner with our dear friend, Off.

Finishing up that week with midterm testing, I looked forward to the upcoming New Year, a time Thais do, in fact, celebrate despite its lack of coherence to their own Buddhist calendar. So we hopped aboard a 5 hour bus ride to our home in the north, Chiang Mai. After hearing, "Chiang Mai, again?" from our families, Kelsey and I considered what an unusual thing it would be at home to travel so far away nearly every month. Something unconventional at home has become the norm here, and it had me reflecting on how shockingly different our life here really is. The attraction of Chiang Mai is its slightly milder weather, its non-Thai restaurants and, essentially, its fast pace, different scenery. Funny how normalcy puts on a cloak of extravagance when you're dealt a modest hand.

So we arrived, having already planned our meals for the weekend, none of which included a Thai word. Doing more damage to our meager bank accounts than intended at the local market, we called it a night and went back to our guesthouse. Diva Guesthouse has become another safe-haven for us here in Thailand. We practically have VIP access to the 6 room hostel even if the website says they're all booked. The downstairs restaurant/lounge is decorated with eccentric kink knacks, secondhand books and guestbooks overflowing with praise. The keeper, who we've affectionately named "Diva," is a lovely woman with impeccable English who awaits our every visit with open arms and a warm hug. The rooms are nothing special. Brightly painted walls, clean sheets, a fan and a sputtering toilet are more than enough. Even the giant rat who waved at Kelsey in the lobby one night won't deter us from staying in such an inviting place. We've consoled ourselves with the fact that a rat that size could never squeeze under the crack of our room door. He'd have to knock first.

On New Year's Eve day, we dodged the crowds on foot and trekked to a nearby Starbucks to meet some Thai friends. I use the term "friend" tentatively, as I've only met the sweet girl once on a bus ride to Chiang Mai Immigration. Kik-Kik so bravely struck up a conversation with me, frantically looking up conversation ideas on her phone, kept up a somewhat steady conversation. This was several months ago. When I received a message from her shortly after, followed by a Christmas gift in the mail, I couldn't help but want to meet with her again. She had so graciously remembered how important the Christmas holiday was to me and my beliefs, and she sent me a hand woven bag and a journal with a note wishing that "my Christmas festival" be very happy. A 21 year old college student from Chiang Mai, who had no investment other than a bus ride together, turned out to be one of the most precious people I've met thus far. After coffee, we met her and her friends for an English movie and later joined them for a gift swap and the countdown to 2013.

So much has filled the gap between this and my last blog. A trip to Sukhothai, the country's first capital, a wonderful English camp weekend with enthusiastic kids and staff, a 3 AM departure on a school trip to the northern border of Thailand, seeing Burma and Laos. And as much as I long to write each detail, I couldn't possibly. Life is what happens between the blogs, and I use these entries merely as landmarks on such a grand journey. 

Resolutions have become cliché code for intentions that have crashed and burned, so I hesitate to create a list. I just know that I want this year, and every year hereafter, to be equally as fulfilling. With the possibility of Graduate school and more of life's steps on the horizon, my only hope is to see them fall into a steady pace as easily as this past year has. Whenever I voice my concerns or worries about what's next, Kelsey is quick to smother them, saying, "Those worries aren't even an issue to me, really. We were brought 8,000 miles across the world more smoothly than we'd ever imagined, so let these next decisions make themselves."

And she's right. I know, and God knows, the desires of my heart, so if the sparrows are being taken care of, I know we will be too. So here's to what I'm convinced will be a year to rival the last. Happiest of New Years, everyone! With love...

"Loy Krathong," Lanterns and Sufficient Happiness

Flipping to the last page on the 2012 calendar, I am oddly at ease. Looking back on our six months here has made me realize how many emotional hurdles I've not only been able to overcome, but to do so, in fact, rather smoothly. The onset of Fall in the States, my birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving have all come and gone, marking me deep into a territory I deemed in May to surely be a tough one. My favorite 3 months span of the year has reached its height, the Christmas season. I have journeyed from missing Fall but learning contentment, to a birthday abroad but not alone, to yearning for holiday food but accepting the gratefulness that comes with change to, finally, the peak of Christmas and perhaps enjoying it as much as years before. You might ask, "why?"

Anticipating change from afar, both in time and space, we have trouble releasing our most current comforts and relenting to something new. I have been guilty of labeling transition as too much of a challenge even before it arrives. Coming from someone who is currently in the depth of the most life altering of transitions, I can assure you it's easier than it looked from 8,000 miles away. 

Instead of Thanksgiving, my temporary homeland celebrated, "Loy Krathong," a holiday designed to release worry. In an inverse sort of way, this is akin to our American tradition. When you symbolically release worry, or any other burden that weighs on your mind, into the sky, what is left on the ground other than the true, tangible things for which we can truly be grateful? Worries and prayers were lifting into the heavens exactly where they should be -- into God’s open arms, reminding us that His plan is sufficient and our earthly provisions are beautifully, interwoven methods toward arriving to that plan. There I was, standing on the ground of a different country, experiencing this ancient tradition I realized some only have penciled on their bucket list. Accompanied by my best friend, I realized that we were mere acquaintances when this journey began as compared to now. Having received box after box from the US, I realize how truly and deeply surrounded by love I really was. 

In this 2-pronged ceremony, citizens gather on the nights of November's full moon to release lanterns into the sky and "krathongs" into the water. Intermittent glowing orbs float into the air as people randomly light paper lanterns, their light reflecting off the water in competition only with the krathong's candles below.

This week, our friend from the University, a linguistics teacher named Off, took us to a celebration in the neighboring district. He so patiently maneuvered through the masses of people, having avoided the crazy crowds of Loy Krathong for nearly a decade, and helped buy and light our lanterns. Vendors along the river were weaving banana stalk, leaves, flowers and even bread to create the little floating krathongs which people would send sailing out onto the river. Stacks of collapsed paper lanterns flew off the shelves at less than a dollar per piece, and people gathered at the lake's edge to light them and send them hovering across the water into the sky. Off so kindly juggled cameras, lanterns and lighters as we enjoyed the festivities. He lit the wick underneath the lantern's shell, and we watched as the flame's gasses filled the chamber and pulled away. Our first two lanterns were a success, only narrowly missing a power line, but our next two never joined the others in the sky. Terrified that the paper lantern would catch on fire with each puff of wind, we let go prematurely, and the lantern skidded to a peaceful, flickering stop in the water. The laughter from the mishap was more enjoyable than if the lantern had actually lifted into the sky. We are lucky to be surrounded by such kind, local friends.

And as these friends help us find a piece of home here in Thailand, friends and family back home are making the most wonderful efforts to send us a piece of home for the holidays. Boxes from loved ones keep coming, and we are like children on Christmas morning as we dash into the tiny post office everyday with expectant faces. Packages filled with Christmas movies and music from my childhood, Santa hats and other goodies have brightened this time of the year more than I could have imagined. Maybe it's the deprivation and not being inundated by the traditions like I would be at home, or maybe it's the nostalgia of the US Postal service, but I couldn't be happier.

As for the holiday itself, schools will continue as normal, but we are requesting days off to celebrate our religious holiday since they get to celebrate several each month. We've decided to travel 4 hours north to the one place we know that will be open on Christmas day but still surround us with the spirit of Christmas and a sense of home: Starbucks. So with our salted caramel mocha frappes and our peppermint mochas, we'll relax in the air condition of a familiar chain restaurant and bask in what I expect and hope to be a very Merry Christmas.

Taken for Granted: Election 2012 in Thailand

Missing what was probably one of the most significant elections in my lifetime, I sat in front of a fuzzy reception of CNN, amazed that it was even in English. I rushed out of my first morning class and biked to Kelsey’s school where one of her teachers so graciously found the channel for us to follow our country’s election. Being very interested and somewhat informed on political current events, it was hard to watch the outcome knowing that I hadn’t been able to participate.

Enough arguments have been started and completed on Facebook, most everyone of them void of compassion and full of malice toward the “other” party, so I choose not to even make comments in regards to the logistics of the election. Granted, my opinions lie in vast the minority, if that give you any hint as to where my affiliation lies, but that’s beside the point. Liberty is the core of my belief system, and as I stand back to look at the whole picture from 8,000 miles away, I’ve gained a better perspective than I could ever hope to gain if I was in the States, personally attacking people through a microscopic lens.

As I strained to watch the television, Kelsey’s teacher, Pen, made a profound statement. Though not in these exact words, she commented on the efficiency of our system and how lucky we were to be in a country where people are only arguing over politics rather than having to live in fear amongst the corruption and killings associated with it. And that’s when she explained an abridged version of Thai politics to me.

All I know about the story I’m about to tell is from the experience of a local Thai. I’ve not read any sound documents, but I’m convinced that personal stories are the richest form of any history. The last prime minister of Thailand, a man named Thaksin, became a billionaire businessman overnight and began to abuse his power, corroding Thai politics from the poverty ridden class to the police force. Pen described to me the false vows he’d made to the lower class, promising them loans and “free” money. In a funny and somewhat blunt way, Pen described the farmers as gullible and “not smart at all,” so they believed Thaksin. Banks suddenly began giving out money like candy, and people who lived in huts began buying the newest model of expensive cars on the market. When they failed to pay, banks heartlessly (and by means of Thaksin’s newly implemented ideas) took the main possession of these poor farmers, their land. Suicide rates amongst that class skyrocketed, yet they still flock to his empty promises. When Thaksin’s corrupt tendencies and money laundering surfaced, he was quickly labeled a criminal and fled the country. For nearly a decade, Thaksin has wandered the world, battling exile and seeking refuge and begging to be readmitted into the country. The division of his supporters (driven ignorantly by the poor) and his enemies has caused nothing but havoc in Thailand. Occasionally, Thaksin will hold video conferences in undisclosed locations, rallying his supporters and calling them to acts of violence. Once, Pen said, he even promised that if he heard gunfire during his speech to silence the skeptics, he would return to Thailand and rule again. An outbreak of murder began, and Thaksin was nowhere to be found. Rumor has it that he is hiding in Hong-Kong now, evading arrest. Pen said that recently, the captain of the police force in Bangkok located him and immediately hopped aboard a plane, ecstatic to have discovered his whereabouts.

“What do you think the policeman did?” Pen asked.

“Arrested him, I hope!” I replied, intrigued with such a bizarre story.

“No. He went so Thaksin could promote him and put new stars on his uniform.”

So here we are - in a country where politics doesn’t cause upheavals on Facebook or incessant Tweets with agendas. It causes murderous outbreaks, blind belief, uncertainty and death. In wake of this election, stop for a moment and be thankful for the Liberties and honor we DO still possess. Politicians are sometimes full of empty promises, yes, but at the end of the day, we live in a free country - one that’s abundant with prosperity, invokes some semblance of proper leadership and has the ability to unite in the face of tragedy.

I currently live in a country where cars pull over, people stop mid-walk and time stands still at 8 AM and 6 PM when their national anthem is played over television, radio and loud speakers across every city... where the symbolism of their King is admonished and where flags fly at every home, business, school and deserted street. Let's be as thankful for our nation's leaders and lasting liberties as Thais are for theirs, despite such disparity.

Snippets of Paradise.

Blogs are curious things. Depending on their sole purpose, they can either be intermittent logs of ordinary happenings whenever you have time to write them, the annoying tri-weekly posts updating people on the status of your sick cat or your new secret to weight loss, or there are those special times when absence from your writing hasn’t been because of lack of subject matter and your wordiness isn’t for fear of losing those 12 faithful readers -- It’s because you’ve been caught up doing the most wonderful things, details too many to recall or reconstruct if even a blog a day was posted, and because the days are too full of such detail to even permit a second to write them down. No one can ever fully appreciate what I’ve experienced here lest they also have experienced them firsthand. Pictures never encompass exactly what the eyes gather and journaling can never corral the small “in between” aspects which make a trip unique. Like the skeleton key lock on our guest house door, stacks of pirated movies in the market, fake backpacks crudely embroidered with the North Face label or a motorcycle powered cocktail car. The main events like Tiger Kingdom, elephant training and zip-lining make the headlines, but details make the vacation. In this blog, for fear of beginning to effectively recap the past two weeks, I want to try something different. In no particular order, I will just write sentences about the trip as they pop into my head.

If you ever find yourself in Chiang Mai, visit Diva Guesthouse, a trendy little hostel with funky painted rooms and staff who will organize your whole trip and memorize your breakfast order.

Elephants are frightened of cows and will attempt to stampede away from them if spooked. Too bad my elephant ambled past a cow in the road on the way to the watering hole. On the bright side, we arrived at the river much sooner than planned, and I got a complementary pachyderm shoulder blade massage on my rear.

On a leisurely walk through the hubbub of Chiang Mai, we discovered a little restaurant that made avocado and egg bagels. Needless to say, we trekked those 13 blocks for the rest of the trip.

Elephants have eyes the size of billiard balls. Probably the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen.

Russians have taken over Pattaya beach, and I wasn’t thrilled to see their hairy backs and ill-fitting speedo thongs.

Tiger cubs are cute until they unsheathe their massive claws. That’s when you reach for the bottle.

So as not to exploit any ethnicity or nationality, let’s just say I’ve surmised that older international women are either not aware of how their bodies look in string bikinis, or they have a God-given confidence I wish that I possessed.

I will experience a rude awakening when I get back home and look back on the time I haggled with a woman who wanted to give me a pedicure for $3 and I refused because it was too expensive by Thai standards. This exchange rate has created a monster.

Elephant poop is a wad of green vegetation, and the trainers at Mahout Elephant Training Center (and your pesky roommate, Kelsey) WILL throw it at you.

Not sure if the Subway we found was the Mecca of all Subways, or if we had been deprived of our American delicacy for too long, but I ordered a footlong and was not ashamed.

My dear travel buddy battles with motion sickness, the inescapable plague of curvy Thai roads, reckless driving and worn out shocks on a van older than me, but she handles it like a champ, no doubt about it.

Watching, or rather binging on, a full season of 24 while in a city ridden with prostitution and Mafia was not a good idea for a concept called “sweet dreams.”

Just because many consider Asia to be the fashion-forward continent due to its population’s bold wardrobe and hair statements doesn’t mean Americans should visit a popular salon in Thailand and expect anything of the sort. On a totally unrelated note and for your information, 7-11s carry hair dye. 

What better way to conquer your fear of heights than to zip-line across 800 meters of cable, thousands of feet above a rainforest, crashing into a 95 pound Thai tour guide and hoping he alone can stop you from barreling into a tree at high speeds.

Add a lion tamer and a clapping seal to our luggage laden motorbike (aka, clown car) and you’d have a circus more entertaining than Ringling as we drove to the bus station. Just ask the pack of stray dogs who chased us down a dark street. All I remember is a lot of explicit language, flailing legs, snarling and mauling sounds, wobbling tires and nearly crashing through the wall of a home where we’d have most likely joined a Thai family for dinner in a cloud of dust - suitcase, backpacks, pink travel pillows and all. Since one of those mongrels gave Kelsey a nasty bruise, this circus won’t be passing through this part of town ever again.

And I don’t care who you are, but no one looks good in a zip lining harness.

Gagnam Style may be a popular song in the US, but you’ve not experienced it until you’ve danced it on a beach with a large Asia population wearing glow-in-the-dark face paint.

Although I’m sad to see this holiday come to an end, it will be nice to befriend routine once again and begin the downward slope of our mission here. Look ahead, but cherish every moment in between.

Zip-Lining, Tigers and Islands - Oh my!

Mentally checking off semester one of this Thai school year, I look back and am speechless as to where it went. October has been my benchmark from the very beginning, that point in the distance I squinted to see back in May, wondering what my state of mind would be. Having reached that point, I can truly appreciate the steady stride we’ve hit this past month. A mixture of pleasurable routine and variety have created an odd sort of contentment, and I’m glad of it. I’m the most placid and motivated I’ve ever been, and most of all, I’m living and finding a sense of community in the most off-the-wall place I’ve ever been. Still today, after 4 months in this beautiful place, I’ll zone out, mentally and physically (like a slow motion zoom-out on Google Earth from me to outer space) and look at my life. Holy shit, I actually live in Thailand, in Asia, in a 3rd world region, in a city a lot of natives can’t point to on a map, 8000 miles away from home. I don’t think that will truly sink in until I step off the plane in Atlanta next year. I can imagine it being a blanketed feeling of sudden realization and real sadness that its force didn’t hit me until then. I can’t wait until that moment, really. That moment suspended between two completely different lives. It will be hard to return, but so easy at the same time.

As breathtaking as it is to look back though, I’ve never been more excited to look forward. Three weeks of freedom await, and we have plans to wander. A statement which seems to be, in itself, counterproductive. Guidelines with room to wiggle.

Several years ago, my dad spent many, many months planning a special trip for my family. Unable to fully appreciate it at the time, I now look back with a fond wistfulness and wish that type of trip could happen again someday. After 12 hour work days, my daddy would drop one task and pick up another: the task of planning our 2 week vacation to Canada. Hours of accumulated research added up to equal a trip that moved like clockwork and ticked without the slightest glitch. Everything from rental cars to seaside B & Bs and whale watching tours to ferry rides worked just as he had planned. I was so amazed. 

So when this trip rolled around, Kelsey so graciously let me try my hand at planning. Albeit a far cry from the detailed trip my daddy planned, I attempted to lay some skeletal guidelines, then when we arrive, I will let Kelsey’s previous backpacking instincts fill in the gaps. Perhaps the hurdle I faced most, rather than the task of having every minute planned like our Canadian adventure, was the constraints of finances, currency exchange, and communication. So, after a little surfing online and a lot of luck, our vacation is as follows: We leave tomorrow headed several hours north toward Chiang Mai, the second largest Thai destination aside from the capital city. The mountainous city has so much to offer. One day, we are being picked up and taken to an elephant reservation to adopt our own lovely creature for the day. After visiting Night Market Bazaars and locating and frequenting a Subway that is rumored to be in the city, we will visit a Tiger Kingdom and hold baby tigers. I hope they’ve been declawed. Week two, we will travel nearly 9 hours south to Pattaya beach where we will visit a local orphanage, scuba dive in the coral reefs and take a 2-day zip lining tour through the jungle. Week three, the week with the least planned and the one weighted with the most anticipation, will be spent on a tropical island called Koh Samet in the Gulf of Thailand. Having been frugal with our accommodations until this point, we decided to splurge and stay in a bungalow style resort on the beach. Though I mentioned not having plans per se, we actually plan to be busy reading, relaxing, writing letters to loved ones and spending the whole week looking out on that crystal blue ocean and pinching ourselves. Because it will probably be the most unforgettable trip ever.

Assuming this trip, too, like Canada, goes without many hitches, I will be ecstatic to fill in this loose itinerary with colorful details, fun stories and the most valuable of memories. We hop aboard a bus tomorrow at 9:45 AM with a little luggage, a little cash and a lot of pent up excitement for a trip I know, where whatever we do, will be the trip of a lifetime. 

Conversation Exams, Anxiety and Fulfillment

“Would you like to hang out and go see a movie sometime?”

“Awesome, I’d love to!” she said, not knowing quite the exact meaning or pronunciation of such westernized slang.

“It was nice to meet you. See you later!”

“Goodbye!”

Their timid voices and strong accents faded away, and two pairs of eager eyes stared at me then stole a glance at my grading chart.

“Excellent,” I complimented. “Very well done, girls.”

I have never experienced a prouder moment. My shy Thai girls had memorized, understood and recited a 25 line conversation with more enthusiasm and confidence than even I could’ve muster in front of a such a large group of piers. After such a fulfilling and accomplished moment, the only thought that ran through my head was, “I don’t think teaching is right for me.” 

Shocking? Why had I come to such a seemingly contradictory conclusion? Especially being that teaching English was the central idea of this whole trip. Compared to other significant spans in my life, these three months have been the most refreshing and revealing of them all, and here’s why. Evaluating your own shortcomings and strengths is one of the most daunting and self-effacing of tasks, but it must be done. Why did I enjoy that brief, enclosed moment listening to my girls speak their midterm exam more than the previous weeks of teaching combined? How can I explain my reasoning for feeling more accomplished after those two girls finished their test, giving me a smile brimming with comfort and new-found realization, than I feel after a class of 50 kids parrot (with perfect pronunciation, I might add) the question of the week?

The answer is simple, yet the meaning itself lies in the complexity of my personality. I am simply not comfortable in groups. There, I said it. Let me clarify, though. I like being on the outskirts of a group, merely listening and quietly surmising my own opinions, but when asked to be put in the middle, God forbid the head, of such situations, I would rather bow out. This is the point in my argument when one would assume I lack “backbone” or leadership qualities or authority, but it is also the point in the argument in which I would argue, matter-of-fact-ly, that those assumptions are untrue. Is a painter considered to be an untalented artist if he can’t sculpt replicas of a Grecian busts or create beautifully edited digital photos or carve wood into an intricate statue? No, because he can wield his artistic weapon on a canvas, investing every ounce of his creativity into that one medium. Just as this artist delves into one facet of a vast array of artistic talent, my leadership and influence take command in a certain arena as well. And that space, where my inner introvert has always felt at ease, is in the comfort and confines of intimate conversation. One in which both parties leave feeling more restored and encouraged than they did before they met.

Why do I feel more fulfilled after one hour-long private English lesson than teaching a whole class? Why do I cherish meeting our new German friend, Klaus, at "New York Grill" (our only source of beef in Thailand) rather than an activity filled weekend retreat with our Organization? These and every other situation in which I feel comfortable are because of the confinements of one-on-one interaction.

Over a year ago, I was accepted and registered to begin my Masters in Clinical Counseling but decided to put it on hold. I had no exact reasoning other than the fact that I felt it wasn't the right time. Little did I know that this nudge to put Grad school on hold was enough of a nudge to send me all the way to Thailand. Had I begun the courses, I would've never been free to take this journey, come to know my best friend and discover just how perfect that career path would inevitably be.

 * * * * * * * * * *              

"Feel how sweaty my palms are," Kelsey said gripping my arm with her clammy hands.

"Why are you so anxious?" I asked, wondering why her nerves would be so heightened while we were just sitting and waiting on our dinner.

"They're always like that." She said, her thumbs restlessly tracing her fingernails, her leg unknowingly bouncing against the table leg.

Puzzled, I inquired further. "What other things do you feel when you get this tense?"

"It's actually all the time. I've never really told anyone about this. I didn't realize it wasn't . . ." Her voice trailed off.

"Wasn't normal?" I finished, regretting my choice of word, but I was suddenly and completely concerned. Eventually, I came to know exactly how many symptoms there really were. Ones I had noticed, and ones that she'd kept repressed.

"My palms are always sweaty, my shoulders are always tense, I can't shut my mind off to sleep at night, but during the day I'm so fatigued that even daily tasks seem out of reach and uninteresting. My jaw is constantly clenched, I feel suffocated and impatient in social situations, my mind is swamped with irrational worries, and I'm on edge as if someone is about to jump around every corner."

Her descriptions hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving a familiar tone resonating in my mind and in my heart. She didn't realize that that one spilling realization did more for her than I could ever do, but I was determined to help her understand it. And from that day forward, I've tried to do just that. Before this trip, we were acquaintances compared to now. I was humbled by her honesty, and there is no stronger bond for a friendship.

"I don't choose to be this way. It's like I can't stop it. It's like an out of body experience where I'm looking down at myself saying, 'Kelsey relax. Calm down. Stop worrying. Stop acting this way.' But I can't." She looked at me regretfully as if it was her fault, apologizing for something she couldn't help, and that broke my heart. What she didn't know was that I did know. I knew without touching sweaty palms when she was anxious. I knew without her even opening her mouth when she was in a downtrodden mood. I knew without seeing her fidgeting feet when she was uncomfortable. And I understood. Even if their wasn't a tangible reason.

Having been raised in a family where severe anxious tendencies were common, I was familiar with the symptoms and  how they affect those they hold captive. There's not one "thing" that makes someone depressed. There's not one "instance" that makes someone anxious. There's not one "situation" which sparks an outbreak of irrational fear or regrettable words. And I, more than anyone in the world, understand that. Call it masochistic interest, but I love being around it. For some reason, I tolerate it willingly and almost with welcomed enthusiasm. I can see past the anxiety to the real person who is hurting because of it. I can see through the depression and love the one who is trapped behind its crippling mask.

What if my mother hadn't excavated through the barriers of my self-conscious fears and bolstered me each and every day? What if my daddy hadn't ignored my self-criticism and told me to be confident with who I was? What if my sister had not pulled off my cloak of timidness and showed me how to be slightly outgoing? What if Kelsey hadn't taken the time to see past my wall of introversion? Everyone has them. Insecurities, depression, anxiety, self-deprecation. Someone has to be patient enough to see through these barriers to the real person, or else they'll be trapped alone. I don't want them, or anyone, to be alone.

As I sit and watch my sweet Thai girl struggle with pronunciation and reading, I know she hides behind a fear of failure. As I watch the darting eyes of my sweet Thai girl quoting her conversation exam, I know she hides behind a wall of shy embarrassment. I was put on this earth to help uncover those fears and be patient until they do. As I help them, I inadvertently help myself, so what could be better?

I couldn't be any more grateful for such a loving family, an honest best friend and willing Thai students who have helped me feel a sense of worth and fulfillment. They will never know to what extent I appreciate their reliance upon me, no matter how slight. I know what I'm supposed to do now, and there's no greater feeling of satisfaction.